I’m at this place.
What’s wrong with taking what God gives you?
It’ll start meaning that I’ll be in authority. I’ll have the power to be the change, in my workplace, in my neighborhood, at work, in my small group, etc. I’ll have the authority of the atmosphere, because He will use me. i’ll be accountable for all those people, souls even.
And with authority comes responsibility, expectations, images. I hate upholding images. I hate being misunderstood. I hate feeling like when you’re on top, there’s no one to lean on. I’m scared to death of all the things that will start to happen. The war will get even more intense. And there I am, in the midst of the flying arrows. I’m just gonna stand there by myself it seems. It seems like it’s so.
And then the it’ll tell me, “you’ll start being attacked left and right. you can’t do it. you need something or someone else to support you. He’ll throw you in and you’ll be on your own, fighting the fight. you’ll carry the responsibilities. you’ll do everything.” what a twisted idea that i realized exists in me. how close the enemy is, even before i grab ahold of His power—the power that conquers all, that makes the enemy as tiny as ever, that has no expectations but grace.
what a lie i live in.
when i held power, i always had work to keep that title, that image, that “power”, so when i failed it was because i didn’t work hard enough and that i was a complete and utter disaster and failure. and He challenges me yet again, can I let Him rewire my understanding, can I let His grace cover me, can i be brave and obedient just this step, so that he can be the rock and refuge for me?
yea, it terrifies me to think about leading people. yea it terrifies me that if one day i’m called to lead, how will i ever do it? yea, i’m like am i even allowed to have this power? yea, i have all these doubts about me. but in the end, it comes to this. will i declare my love for him? will i be obedient? will i allow him to increase?
just fall into the unknown known.